You've seen them everywhere: tacky Christmas decorations. When your parents make you drive through the neighborhood to "see the lights" you are forced to gaze at the millions of watts of Christmas lights, thousands of acres of fake snow, hundreds of plastic Santas. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you think to yourself, "I can do better." Well, now you can!

Collected from thousands of years of Christmas experience, I have compiled the ultimate guide to tacky decorations. In just hours, you too can have your own masterpiece.

The number one rule to remember to ensure a tacky Christmas is: avoid mediocrity. There are too sides to the spectrum: either have too few decorations, or too many. This is easily explained with the following graph.

The first thing you need to remember is that they are not Christmas decorations as much as they are holiday decorations. This "Holiday" includes Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, New Year's Day, Veteran's Day, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Election Day, and Easter. It is vital that you have your decorations at least partially set up by December 26^th, because we know, as Americans, that Christmas is all that matters. It's our only reason for living.

What home could be without Christmas lights? That would be like a movie without popcorn! A car without wheels! A computer without a monitor! A cell phone without service! A table without legs! A plane without wings! A house without Christmas lights! (wait...what was I talking about?)

Net lights became a hit about 3 years ago. The simplicity of these illuminated bush-covers are appealing to the lazy holiday lighters. No longer does one need to toil for hours untangling and placing lights inch by inch. Now, with modern (sometimes faulty and fire-starting) technology, all that is required is a simple toss and a plug and you and your family can enjoy hours of semi-evenly distributed holiday lights.

Remember, if you don't spread the web lights the proper way, it is very easy to accidentally have them look decent, so be sure to follow these pointers:

Make them look square

The number one rule to remember about net lights is that you have to make them look square. This is easily done by making sure that the tree or bush that you are placing them on is not big enough to be fully surrounded, and that the corners of the lights are easily visible from a distance.

Have seams

This is pretty easy to do; just make sure that when you have two or more conjoining nets over one bush/tree, you have a small noticible strip of darkness running down between them.

This is not a very good example of light seams, but you can get the idea. This is one of the easiest ways to turn lights into tacky lights.

Go for something big

For those of you who like a challenge, may I recommend that you look at the following Christmas concoction. This is the first time I have ever experienced this beautiful technique, and I am humbled by it's greatness.

I would like to take this time to thank the engineer of this nativity scene for his bravery and commitment to the Christmas season. I challenge everyone to try to do better than this example. You've raised the bar for all of us buddy.

I would not recommend that anyone who enjoys fully functioning spinal cords attempt to replicate this decoration. Remember though, some things come before personal health.

Although less extravagant than net lights, strand lights are a good cheap substitute.

Use Very Little

Some people just don't realize the efficiency of using very few lights: they take seconds to set up, cost very little, and don't have to be untangled. When you can skate by with two or three strands, why go for anything more? When using very few lights, it is important that you make them go a long way.

Wrap Trees

Wrapping trees is the most time-consuming way to hang lights. It is best done by only giving a general idea of where the tree is, and not bothering to give the finer details. This does not mean that you should not wrap the trunk fully, though. Because the trunk is the easiest part to wrap, make sure that it is completely covered. After that, just sling the lights around the outermost branches to get the best effect.

Mixed Colors

Often times it's easier to buy different colored strands of lights rather than the same color. If a box of 100 yellow lights is on sale, buy it! You can add it to your collection back home!

Make Them Blink Out of Sequence

This is an almost accidental art form. See, most strands of lights come with these extra bulbs that are not really extra bulbs, but most people think they are. They're really blinking bulbs.

Snap one of these babies in on the first socket in the strand and your whole strand will be blinking. Even better, put it in the middle so that only half the strand blinks. This can be done anywhere, is extremely attractive, and is easy to do!

Of course, lights don't really explain the holiday. How much of a story can you get out of 100 watts? This is why lawn figurines were invented.

These petite plastic people are perfect for populating your...front yard (damn!). If you plan to buy some of these ornaments, make sure to get some used ones that have burn marks from where the light bulbs got too close to the plastic. A blowtorch can quickly create this effect if your local flea market is out of used ones. They come in a large variety of characters: from Santa and Frosty to Jesus and Rudolf (actually, I think that's all they make). The most important of these, of course, is Santa. Unfortunately, I was only able to capture two of the varieties.

I was amazed to find that some people decided to make their own ornaments out of plywood, the end results were quite nice.

Santa and the Dog	Santa's Sleigh
This is why Santa usually doesn't use the front door	The ten trillion candle power spotlight makes it kind of hard to see Santa (it must be so hot inside that suit).
Waving Santa
With his abominable spirit, he manages to smile and wave even when tied to a flagpole and left to starve.

Because of problems with storing hundreds of plastic and wooden figures, God invented inflatable ornaments. These can become quite life-size and are able to fit in a shoebox when deflated. One house in particular was where I got most of the pictures of the inflatable ornaments. That is the last house in the review seciton.

The Grinch	The Grinch on the Sleigh
Nothing says I love Christmas like the Grinch (I mean at the end of the book). For those of you who don't read, the book was much better than the movie.	Here, the Grinch is pictured with his abused dog companion Max.
16 Foot High Santa	Santa's Sleigh
This is the biggest Santa I think they make. To better illustrate his size, he is pictured next to his Christmas light-lit 6-foot high counterpart. Oh, I just thought of a great idea for a horror movie.	Here Santa is pictured with a rather cross look on his face. I can almost hear him scream "Move your lazy asses ya' stupid reindeer!"
Polar Bears	Winnie the Pooh
These polar bears would be much more marketable if they were holding Coke bottles.	Here is Winnie the Pooh! Everyone loves the Pooh! (Note to future self: name your son Pooh).
Reindeer	Frosty the Snowman
Unfortunately, the genetic alterations and radiation exposure which enables the reindeer to fly has augmented the size of their pectoral muscles to the point that it has become impossible to walk.	Here frosty is seen casting his candy cane to heavens as a sacrifice to the sugar gods. Frosty is an interesting name. I would love to live in a world where people where named with adjectives that described them. My name would be Tallie.

Here I have reviewed several bad examples of Christmas decorations (people in my neighborhood just don't get it).