Wednesday's Lottery Transcript

ANNOUNCER: On this Wednesday the 9th of September, on a five-minute delay from Lottery HQ, your mid-week host, Vernon Kay's Old Hair! OJ: Thankyou, Al. Welcome to Wednesday's National Lottery draw which literally no-one is watching. This evening's draw team is up there watching out for spies from Channel 4, but before we start creating new winners, we have to tediously mention seven different Lottery-funded projects while pointedly not mentioning any bearded illusionists who may or may not be on the other side. ANNOUNCER: And for all the state-approved Lottery-related information, go to BBC online or press the red button. OJ: It's as simple as that. And now for our first draw, which is of course Thunderball. [graphic] OJ: And tonight's draw team keeping a watchful eye on proceedings is drawmaster Matt Chamberlain, and independent adjudicator Andy Nyman. So Alan, please take it away and hopefully make somebody very rich. ANNOUNCER: Okay, let's release those balls. We're using set of balls 1 and Excalibur, chosen by Mike McCarthy from Newport. According to the draw team, over 22,000 tickets won a prize last week, of which 20,000 were held by one man. If some of that cash headed your way, congratulations and why the hell are you watching this? OJ: So, drawmaster Matt, are we good to go for tonight's draw? MATT: Indeed we are. OJ: So is tonight going to be your lucky and in no way skill-assisted night? Let's find out. Please, start the draw! ANNOUNCER: Here we go, then. Here's the first one, it's 34. Top of the shop in this game, of course. And the next one, it's 13. And remember, you'd have a 1 in 13.9 million chance of predicting lottery numbers correctly, no matter how clever you are. And the next one, 15. And the fourth one is number nine. And the final ball from this machine is 24. Okay, now start the second machine and release the 14 red Thunderballs. OJ: And remember, if you've matched all the numbers drawn so far then (a) you still need this Thunderball to match and (b) I cannot stress enough that it's a coincidence. ANNOUNCER: Here we go, then... It's number 13 again. Which is a total coincidence. So here are tonight's Thunderball numbers again, this time in ascending order: 9, 13, 15, 24 and number 34. And the Thunderball is 13. OJ! OJ: And it's now time to go green for Wednesday's Dream Number draw, which was carried out earlier this evening in front of our independent adjudicator, but that's fine because nobody is attempting to predict it. Or play it. ANNOUNCER: Yep, we used Perido and set of balls number 4, which were chosen earlier today by Mike, and the dream number drawn was this one: 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6. OJ: And remember, if for whatever reason you've just joined us, that the proceeds from these draws are funding the London 2012 Olympics and Paralympics. And did you know that over 800,000 tonnes of soil were removed to create the construction platform? ANNOUNCER: Wow, OJ, that's terrifically dull. I sure am glad this isn't going out live on more than two or three channels. OJ: And with that, it's time to play tonight's Lotto. [graphic] OJ: So, Al, how big is tonight's jackpot? ANNOUNCER: Well, OJ, tonight's jackpot has been estimated at two point four million -- not two thousand -- pounds! But don't worry, you could only win that by coincidence. OJ: Fantastic. So, please take it away and do your mid-week thang! ANNOUNCER: Let's release those big-money balls! And for tonight's draw we're using Merlin and set of balls number 1, chosen for us by Derren earlier this week. On Saturday, a total of seven tickets matched all six numbers, but we're not expecting anyone to manage it this week. OJ: So, drawmaster Matt, are we ready to release tonight's Lotto balls? MATT: Yes we are, OJ. OJ: I hope these next numbers are just what you're looking for, unless you're a psychological illusionist! Please, start the draw! ANNOUNCER: Right! I'd write these down if I was you. On a big bit of card, for preference. The first one, number 23. Lottery tickets have raised over £23 million for good causes. Next up, number 35. That one hasn't come up in 48 draws, so it was due. And the third to be drawn... 11. The 11th of September is the start of Derren Brown's new series. Here's the next one! That's number 28. Next out is number 39. On the 28th of February, Derren Brown will be 39 years old. And the last one is right there, it's number 2. And 2 is the number of shots you'd need to composite to create the illusion of predicting lottery balls. The bonus tonight is number 15, so in ascending order, that's 2, 11, 23, 28, 35 and 39. I hope you're all keeping up if you're writing this on card. OJ: Well, that's it for this evening. Join us on Friday for another Euro-Millions draw, straight after Jonathan Ross and a repeat of Live At The Apollo which I suggest you all watch because there's nothing good on any of the other channels, I've checked. Hope the numbers have been lucky for you (but not too lucky). Goodnight!