it's the little things...and tacos.
it's the little things...and tacos.
Hello friends!
I am super excited to share with you my new single “Letting Go”
(It will be available across all platforms for streaming and downloading on Friday, Jan 24th, 2020 at 12am EST/ Thursday, Jan 23rd, 2020 at 9pm.)
Until then, I invite you to enjoy this music video I made with my dear friend Ryan West, in my hometown of Encinitas, CA. Shot on a super 8 (real) film camera! I had a vision, Ryan was a yes, and the rest is history. He and his team made the making of this video so fun and effortless, and now I am so stoked to finally get to share it with you all! These days i’m learning to trust my gut, and follow it… things I wish I would have done, and fought more for when I was on a label. I felt strongly that having a visual would bring this song to life…I think it worked.
I know its been a minute…more like 6, 7 years… I’ve never been one to churn out songs for the sake of staying in the game, or whatever you want to call it. I try not to force myself to write anything, I tried that once and it was a disaster. All the songs that have ever ended up on my albums: good, bad, fan favorites, hits or not, have always come from the heart, they feel right. Like they belong. It’s always been my experience, that songs come when they want. Sometimes it’s many in a row, sometimes there is a dry season. For me it’s merely being in alignment, and if I am lucky enough to capture a phrase, a moment, a feeling and let it move through me, out of my head and into song… well, that’s the magic of what drew me to becoming an artist in the first place.
I honestly didn’t anticipate taking such a long break, and if i’m being honest, I even caught myself falling out of love with music a couple times. I started exploring some other interests, I got super into health and wellness and plant based eating. I went back to school to become a health coach, and I even coached a bunch of clients while I was at it, which was super fun and a nice change of scenery. I took up snowboarding, something I always wanted to learn, but never did when I was actively on tour, terrified I would injure my hands. And then one day last year, in between two snowboarding trips, I was in LA for one day, and I called up my friend Steven Solomon to see if he was around and wanted to write. He was free, I went to his house, and this song just came out..literally out of nowhere. I cried my way through the entire thing, tissue box after tissue box. I knew at the end of it, we had written something very special.
When I put out Back To Home (2014), I had just gotten married. I literally got married (August 2014), went on my honeymoon (September 2014), came home, relocated to LA for 2 months to record (Sept/Oct 2014), put out a new EP (October 2014) and went on tour (Nov/Dec 2014). Then I came home for the holidays and found out I was pregnant. Kylo was born August of 2015, and by 2017 Kylo’s dad and I decided we were going to separate. Our relationship was a whirlwind: we met, 8 months later engaged, 8 months later got married and 4 months later found out we were having a baby. It was a lot, in a short amount of time, in my experience we just were still getting to know each other, and figure out our relationship, and there was just too much, too soon, too fast. I found myself unable to handle it all. I do not regret any of it, it has all led me to right here, right now. It led me to becoming a mother. Honestly, it has led me to a better, more honest, authentic, version of myself. I know by now, when the shit hits the fan, there is a tremendous opportunity for growth and healing. I assumed when Kylo was born, i’d be back on tour within 6 months, writing songs, putting out albums..and boy was I wrong. I don’t even know how to describe but I just feel like I lost myself. And eventually I knew this relationship I was in, I could no longer be in, even though the person I was in it with, was and still is one of the most amazing humans ever. It’s a very conflicting feeling, when you know you can no longer stay in something, with someone, but also that nothing necessarily bad happened. What’s that saying? Two people can be great, but not so great together. Our relationship works much better in the current dynamic: co-parenting and friends. I am proud of us for the many hours, nearly a year, of therapy we did to process the undoing of our relationship (Shout out to IMAGO therapy). I feel so lucky I had a partner who was willing, and brave enough to do the work with me, to identity our woundings and where we needed healing, I am forever grateful that we could split peacefully and really with the intention of putting our own shit aside and doing whatever was best for our son. I don’t take for granted the fact that we can still be friends and look out for one another, we will always be a family. I know this sort of thing is rare, and I know it isn’t possible for everyone, but I wanted to share because it was possible for us, which means it is possible. It is so against everything we are taught, but you can end a relationship respectfully, out of love, with compassion and kindness for one another.
After the divorce, I took a lot of time for myself. I started going to yoga regularly, surfing more often, meditating every day, drinking less, simplifying, spending more time outside, in nature, with Kylo… I slowly came back to myself, my center and I started to find music again. I knew I would write a song about everything that had happened, but I didn’t know when or how. It’s not like someone cheated or lied, or there was some massive fight. I started experimenting with new sounds, different vibes, but it always felt like I was avoiding the elephant in the room. Then that day came, mid Feb 2019. Letting Go was born, and it puts into words everything I didn’t know how to say. This is a song about love, honesty, trusting yourself, and honoring all the precious moments with the ones we love.
I hope you find some peace in it, some closure, some hope, I hope you can feel the love. Thank you for listening, it means a lot.
xo TP
“Love is not a relationship, love is a commitment… to love. So that if the relationship ends, the love can still remain.”
It is out of much contemplation, time, energy, tears, marathon therapy sessions, stripping down and getting real with our own shit, getting real with each other’s shit, stretching and reaching into all the uncomfortable spaces, sitting in the fire of our feelings and thoughts, our dreams and vulnerabilities, our triggers, and fears, our weakness and strengths, all the while holding space for each other’s journey, that Bill and I have decided to end our relationship as a romantic, married couple, and consciously uncouple. This decision was made some time ago, and now felt like the right time to share it.
That said…we will always be a family, our vows remain true now and forever. We are moving forward as best friends, co-parents, and with our hearts full of love. This relationship has allowed us both so much space to explore, learn, and grow, but most of all expand our capacity to love. I am a better human, and mother because of the last 5 years with Bill, and for that, i will always be grateful.
As we move forward into this chapter, we shed the skin of our old relationship and remain open to the idea that this new relationship could be even more special, significant and meaningful than the one we thought we were originally signing up for. It took that other relationship to get to this one, just as it took both of us for Kylo to be here. Sometimes things don’t make sense at the time, you just have to trust it’s all rigged in your favor and ride the wave.
Someone once told me: We don’t choose who we love, or why, or for how long, or the circumstances for which we are brought together. That is the magic and mystery of the universe. But, we can always choose to love one another. We can choose to rise above the chitter chatter in our minds, the fear, the doubts, and we can update the OS and act from a higher consciousness. We can choose to see things in a positive light. We can be respectful. We can love unconditionally. We can offer kindness. We can forgive. We can make peace. Take the lessons, and let them shower us with gifts of guidance and wisdom. We can choose to start over again, and we can even choose to support each other in that process.
There is no good guy, or bad guy in our scenario. No villain, or victim. Simply put: We just realized we work much better as friends and parents, than husband and wife. Ever since we moved in this direction we have been much closer, happier, peaceful, supportive and loving towards one another, and ultimately, all of that energy benefits our son, Kylo. We have so much to be grateful for, and we are choosing to focus on what we do have in this very moment, rather than what was or could have been. My life has been filled with so much love, so much joy & happiness because of my boys, so rather than mourn the end of something, i would rather celebrate all that we have created and experienced.
Thank you for allowing me the space to share all of this. I have been waiting for the right time and that time feels like now. It feels almost stupid to share this, given the state of the world right now. But maybe somewhere, someone will read this and feel a little less alone, a little less scared, or a bit more brave to speak up for what their heart is telling them. I know this news might come as a shock to most of you, but I can assure you, we have been working through this for quite some time with lots of support surrounding us.
All love. Always.
TP
So stoked to be apart of this easy, breezy, beautifully clever and catchy jam. Fergie… you sound beautiful! Get it girl! 💁💁
A lot of people ask me to post recipes, and I always say I will, but then I never do… I think this is partly because for some of my most favorite things I make regularly, I don’t follow a recipe, so its hard to know the correct measurements. That being said, I got a lot of comments asking to post the recipe for the kale salad I shared on Instagram yesterday, so here goes!
You can use any kale: curly, flat, baby, Russian, red, whatever floats your boat. I actually just did a quick google search on types of kale and found this:
“Avoid curly and red kale in dishes where the green is served raw, as their heartier texture can be unpleasantly toothsome, even after ribboning or massaging. Dinosaur kale, also know as lacinato or Tuscan kale, is more tender than curly and red kale, making it a good candidate for raw and shortly cooked dishes.”
So there ya go! I usually wash all my veggies in fruit and veg wash (I like the Thieves fruit & veg wash from Young Living, Honest makes a good one too, most markets probably carry a good natural one as well) Most people don’t know this, but most organic produce is still sprayed with some type of pesticide, its just usually a more natural one. But you don’t want to be ingesting a bunch of copper, so its important to wash all fruit and veg, regardless of whether or not is or organic or not.
I like give my kale a quick rinse, then let it soak in a bowl with fruit and veg wash for at least 10 minutes, then transfer to a colander and give it a good rinse.
I like to remove the kale leaves from the stalk, because I don’t like chunks of hard stalk in my salad. If you start at the end of the kale where the stalk is the thickest, you can peel back the kale at that end, and then kind of strip the stalk of the rest of the kale, by holding the stalk with 2 fingers and then making a loose grip fist and just strip it off. From there i usually tear or cut the kale into bit size piece, and then add to a bowl, where I sprinkle with some sea salt. This starts to break down the kale and makes it soft. When I have all the kale in the bowl, I add some olive oil, alternatively you can use sesame oil. And then a squeeze of lemon juice. Now it is time to manage your kale. You just stick your hands in that bowl, and you massage the kale, and you will see right before your eyes how it turns bright green as it starts to soften. The amount of kale will shrink as it breaks down. For a group I will use 1- 2 bunches of kale, for just me, I use ½ a bunch. For the family, usually 1 bunch is enough.
After the kale is nice and soft, I like to do a little taste test and add more pink sea salt if need be, or more lemon juice, more olive oil, etc.. Now you have the perfect canvas for whatever you are craving!
I love adding nutritional yeast (like a lot! so it becomes super “cheesy”), hemp seeds, pumpkin seeds, alternatively you can use lime juice instead of lemon juice which is a totally addicting refreshing combo with the kale. I usually add diced avocado and some times cherry tomatoes. You could totally bake up some Gardein fake chicken fingers, slice em and put them on top, or do a nice hunk of grilled wild salmon, or some rotisserie chicken. You could also add fresh parmesan, cucumbers, sesame seeds, quinoa, garbanzo beans, etc… Seriously the world is your kale oyster!
This is one of my favorite salads to make and its soo easy. I love this salad with just about everything. Sometimes I just add whatever is in the fridge. Its very versatile and a great yummy way to get your greens. Seriously on tour we make this in one of those plastic produce bags and its delicious. As long as you get the kale coated with some olive oil and sea salt you are good to go!
For general reference, you will need:
-1 bunch of kale
-1 pinch of salt (preferably Himalayan pink sea salt)
-Oil of your choice: Olive, sesame, etc.. for drizzling just enough to coat the kale
-Lemon or lime juice (I usually do ¼, but just depends on how much salad you are making)
Whatever toppings you want:
-Nutritional yeast
-Pumpking seeds
-Hemp seeds
-Avocado
-Cherry tomatoes
-Shredded carrots
-Rotisserie Chicken
-Grilled Salmon
Some homemade sourdough croutons would be delicious in this too!
Hope this all makes sense, enjoy + have fun!
-T
PS. If you have a dehydrator, this is my all time favorite cheezy kale chip recipe, been making this one for years!
A kale bouquet given to me on tour! Now you’re speakin’ my language…
Making a Kale salad backstage in a dressing room somewhere in Florida
Kale salad made with kale from my garden, I am so in love with these FoodMap containers we have on our balcony! Perfect for growing a little garden if you have limited space! I topped this kale salad with nutritional yeast, hemp seeds, avocado, cherry tomatoes & dulse. YUM!
When people talk about how fast time goes by with kiddos, they aren’t kidding! WOW, time flies! I can’t believe our little guy is already one. If we can survive the first year, I’m pretty sure we can survive anything, right?! Success!
Being a mother is hands down the greatest job I have ever had. I mean, being a rockstar is PRETTY FRICKING COOL. But being a mother takes the cake! It is rewarding, challenging (in the best way ever), and constantly evolving.
When I got pregnant, I imagined that after Kylo as born, I would get right back to music. My plan was take 6 months off and then get back into the swing of things: writing, recording, working on a new album. I even entertained the idea of going on tour within that first year of him being born. I would get so defensive when people would ask, “Are you going to give up music now that you’re having a kid?”… “Hell no!” I would reply. Yeah…well, I get it now. I get why moms don’t go back to work. I get why they trade in high paying careers they have worked so hard for to be a stay at home mums. I also get how hard this is for parents that don’t have a choice but to keep working full time, and return to work sooner than they would like. As a kid, i was in day care, i was shipped around from grandparent to grandparents house. I definitely have a new found respect for my parents and how hard they worked, just to be able to put food on the table, and so we could do after school activities. Being a parent is a BIG, HUGE, FULL TIME, JOB! Being a mom: FULL TIME/FULL ON JOB…Whether or not you have another job or not… When you have a kid, your priorities and reality change. I think you don’t ever fully understand what it is like to have a child, until you have a child of your own. It’s hard to explain, sometimes it looks like such an easy option, “Must be nice to be a stay at home mom”, I’ve heard people say…Yes, it is a real blessing to be able to stay at home with your kid, and Im sure to people on the outside it looks easy, I think that is because from an outsiders perspective, most mom’s make taking care of a child look like a piece of cake, but in reality it takes sacrifice and hard work to look after family…And yes i realize there are stay at home dad’s out there too, who are equally as bad ass! And daddy’s that hold down the fort by taking jobs that send them off for days, weeks, months at a time, on tour, or out of the country, to protect our country. I could make so many notes here about all sorts of different scenarios that people are in…I guess all i can say is that parents…Parents, are the real ROCKSTARS!
I tried doing a writing session when Kylo was 6 months old. I wanted to get back to work. I’m like that, I can’t just chill, I’m always trying to do it all (usually too much), and usually getting overwhelmed and flustered, because if I don’t do it all, then I will feel lazy and unproductive. But let me tell you, trying to pump every 2 hours while you are trying to write a song is distracting and annoying. And the song we wrote SUCKED! Sorry Steve… Eventually, I just decided to STOP, to stop trying to do it all, and be present with our son. I was trying to prove I could do it all, that I wasn’t giving up my career, that I wasnt slowing down, that I was being some super mom. But for who? Not for me, not for my husband and certainly not for our son. I was doing it based on some pressure I made up from the outside world, followers, my fans, my fellow music comrades. So I just stopped. I try not to care what anyone else thinks -which is hard for me and is something i’ve carried with me since childhood- and just do what I want to do, without judging myself! Good lord that’s a lot! But, I had to once again SURRENDER! I try to remind myself, that when I die, I won’t look back and think: Man, I’m sure glad I wrote those 3 songs when Kylo was 6 months old, I even managed to pump every 2 hours, while Kylo was nearby in a hotel room, with a nanny. Now I ask myself: When I look back on my life, will I REALLY be so glad I made X,Y or Z decision? If the answer is no, I don’t invest my time there. Period.
Life is short. I try to only do what I want to do with the time i’ve got here on this planet. Most always that is spending time with Kylo, my husband, our close friends and family. And experiences. One of the things I remember my husband saying early on, is that he would much rather invest in experiences, rather than things. Experiences last forever, things are just..well things. No amount of things will ever make you happy in the long run, but experiences can always bring you joy. When I die, I want to be filled with joy, experiences, memories and love, knowing know that I took big leaps, and loved hard.
With all of that being said, I still have days where I wonder what the heck I am going to be when I grew up. These past 14 years have been dedicated to music. To being a singer, a songwriter, on tour, promoting albums, etc… But I have so many passions. I love being a mom, and I love teaching Kylo new things, I also love food, nutrition, cooking, consulting, helping others, giving back, etc… I know I will always play music (I’m in the middle of building a home studio, which I cant even begin to tell you how stoked I am to have a dedicated space for creating!) But I’m also thinking about other career options. I think the dream is to open a healthy little vegan/veggie cafe, with a an open mic night, and then I can just play there and people can come from all over the world and visit. I could nourish the soul inside and out. Anyhow, that’s just a little dream of mine I’ve been trying on lately… I guess we’ll see how that one plays out. *Stay tuned!
Sometimes I think maybe i’m just doing donuts around music, trying to distract myself from the obvious choice: MUSIC! And that eventually I will land back in music’s arm, and continue my journey. After all, I did take 4 years off between Hello…x and Cedar + Gold, and that was time worth spent, out in the world, traveling, experiencing, learning, loving and growing. We don’t always have to be DOING. In the meantime, I am learning a lot in nutrition school (Oh yeah, did I mention that I am enrolled in a year long course at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition? Yeah…I’m not trying to do too much, AT ALL…), and being a mama, and whipping up all sorts of recipes, etc.. Which is what this post was supposed to be about: Kylo’s 1st Birthday Cake!
So we are pretty much plant eating machines over here. Bill is completely Vegan, and I am an opportunivore. Which basically means, I am for the most part veggie/vegan. I do have fish (usually salmon) a couple times a month, and I like goat milk kefir for the probiotics. If there is butter or cheese on something when we are out to eat, its all good. Kylo basically eats the same way, whatever we are eating, he eats. I don’t salt or sweeten his food. It’s pretty pure, simple, the way nature made it. The only sugar he gets is from fruit and the only salty he gets is from nama shoyu, which I used in a marinade for tempeh. We don’t tend to eat a lot of bread, pasta, refined carbs, sugar or dairy, so when Kylo’s 1st birthday was right around the corner, I naturally got to thinking about what we were going to give to him for a b-day treat! Everyone needs a b-day cake right!? Most store bought cake is filled with refined flour, sugar, dairy and processed ingredients. I just feel like that is too much for a mini human to process. There was no way I was going to give that to Kylo just because it was his b-day, especially since he has never had any of that before. I wouldn’t eat it, so why should he. So I set out to find out an alternate option, hopefully one that was homemade, and still delicious and looked pretty :)
Luckily the internet is a wealth of information, and I found a handful of great vegan smash cake recipes for babies. I ended up making this one from naturealmom.com. Most of them use similar ingredients, but I went with this one cause I liked this lady’s vibe… and I was able to pronounce all the ingredients.
*Side note: I only had an 8″ round pan, so I made two batches of the cake batter, baked them, let them cool, stacked them, then frosted. The recipe calls for a 4x4 round, which I couldnt find in store, but you can easily get online.
Natural “Smash Cake” w. Coconut Whip Frosting
Gather:
4 large ripe bananas (organic)
½ cup applesauce (no sugar added) - I used organic, unsweetened.
3 Tbsp. melted coconut oil (organic, cold pressed)
3 teaspoons vanilla
1 teaspoon baking soda
¾ cups whole coconut flour (organic)
¾ cup oat flour (grind rolled oats in blender, then measure) - I used Bob’s Red Mill Gluten Free quick cook oats.
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Method:
Mash the bananas in a medium bowl.
In a separate large bowl, mix the flours, baking soda, and cinnamon together.
Add the mashed bananas, applesauce, coconut oil, and vanilla to the flour mixture. Mix just until incorporated.
Coat a 4×4 inch round bake pan with coconut oil and lightly dust with oat flour. Spread the batter into the pan.
Bake at 375°F for 45 minutes. Check with a toothpick to make sure it’s done.
Cool the cake before frosting.
Whipped Coconut Cream
1 14-ounce can full-fat coconut milk. (I use 3 cans of Native Forest BPA-Free Organic Coconut Cream Premium since they are around 5 ounces each)
1 tablespoon maple syrup (if you’re strictly no sugar, substitute with apple juice)
½ teaspoon vanilla
Place a medium bowl (glass, metal, or ceramic are all fine) and beaters of an electric hand mixer in the freezer to chill.
Refrigerate coconut milk, in the unopened can, for at least an hour, or freeze for about 20 minutes. Be careful not to agitate the can too much as you do this; you want the fattier “cream” to rise to the top, leaving thinner coconut liquid underneath, and shaking it will prevent this.
Remove from refrigerator or freezer, and carefully open the can. Using a small spoon, slowly skim the cream from the top, and transfer to the chilled bowl. You should get about half the can before the thin liquid appears underneath; try not to include any of this. Reserve remaining coconut milk for another use (it’s wonderful in smoothies).
Add maple syrup and vanilla, and begin whisking with the chilled beaters of an electric hand mixer. The cream is done when it thickens and soft peaks form when a beater is lifted. Stiff peaks may be achieved if the coconut milk is particularly high-fat, but don’t whip the cream so long that it warms and begins to liquefy.
Cover and refrigerate for up to 2 hours before serving, whisking briefly before using.
I will admit, everyone (my husband) was a little skeptical, mostly because this cake didn’t look like a traditional cake, more like a banana bread oat bar, in a pan shape. But Kylo LOVED IT! I think he ate ½ of it…whoops! The best part about this cake? Besides that it’s only sweetened with bananas, is that it was even better the next day, and the day after that! I will definitely be making this cake again. If you make it, let me know how it turns out, and how your little one likes it!
Enjoy :)
Tristan
I had a hard time sleeping last night…I cannot believe it’s been a year since our little angel arrived (and since my last blog was written…Sorry!).
Kylo Evergreen Maris you changed my life.
All day yesterday I was reflecting back to this time last year. The day before Kylo arrived, I remember thinking something just felt different, and sure enough at around 5pm we got our cue to gather our things + head to the hospital. We arrived by 7pm and I was already several centimeters dilated. My doctor (also my aunt, believe it or not!) told us go walk laps around labor & delivery, and we would know soon enough if the baby was coming for real. I was having small contractions, but nothing crazy. Just these kind of waves of sensation. I remember thinking they were quite delightful…like when you feel butterflies in your stomach. I said to my aunt, “How will we know if this is go time?”, she replied, “When you can’t stand anymore, you will know its go time.” For the next several hours, Bill and I walked around the hospital, and as the contractions got stronger, it became harder to walk, I would move in and out of the shower. The warm water felt great, and then all the sudden, it would feel annoying! I would move to an exercise ball, put on Salt & Peppa “Push it”, dance, squat, crack jokes. I basically just followed my body and our baby’s lead. Hours went by, and I was gradually dilating. I reached 7-8 centimeters dilated, but my water still hadn’t broken, and the contractions were still quite tolerable. I’m sure there are many mamas reading this, thinking… Contractions!? Tolerable!? Is she nuts? Maybe its because my mother had told me all about her birth stories with my brother and I, and how easy we were - or in her words “I went to the hospital, I pushed a couple times, and next thing i knew…you were here!”. By default, I expected the worst pain ever, but based on my mom’s birth experience, I felt completely capable of rocking birth like a total bad ass, or at least I hoped!
One of my most favorite books I read while pregnant was Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, what an incredible collection of positive birth stories. The world needs more of those by the way, so I am adding mine to the collection. I had a wonderful labor. Most of all, I think I was completely content. Open to whatever was going to happen, and ready to surrender. I tried to look at birth with the mindset that it was going to be a much bigger deal for Kylo than it was for me. By putting more focus on wanting to help him through the labor, i was less concerned about myself. I wanted to make his arrival on earth as cushy, calm, peaceful and easy as possible. In my mind this was about helping him navigate his way out, and trying to remain as calm and relaxed as I could, so he could be as comfortable and relaxed as he could be…well as comfortable as you can be when you are going through a tiny little tunnel that is squishing your head, shoulders, knees & toes. Most of all, I tried to hang on to my sense of humor, which I have to admit is really hard to do when the contractions are insanely close, and unforgiving.
At this point, my aunt told me she could break my water, or I could continue moving around, doing whatever other kind of Jedi mind tricks I had up my sleeve. She told me once my water broke, things were gonna move quick. I decided to take an hour or so and just see if my water would break on its own, but eventually I thought: What are we waiting for? I’ve been waiting 9 months…Lets do this! I was around 8-9 centimeters dilated when my aunt broke my water and Holy ^#$&*@Q$%… shit got real, real. I was making all sorts of ‘whoooo-ey" noises, I don’t even know where they were coming from, somewhere deep within me for sure. It felt very primal, I felt out of my body, I sounded like a ghost in a haunted mansion. I was turning from side to side, i felt possessed, but I just tried to invite the surges in, let them wash over me, and just keep breathing. Also, this is about the only time I yelled at my husband.
I remember Bill turning toward my aunt and saying, “Have you ever heard anything like this?” To which she replied, “I’ve heard a lot of noises, but I can’t say I’ve heard anything like this.” I just remember looking up at them, mid contraction, gritting my teeth and saying “Shut up! I’m trying to focus!”. Next thing I knew it was time to push. I had my hypno-birthing music in full effect, flameless candles going, my diffuser on full blast with my essential oils of ylang-ylang & orange, and I couldn’t believe it was time to push! For a minute there, I was so impressed at how fast they transform the bed right from underneath you, it was like a set change in a Broadway play… yeah, except no one needs to see this play…Seriously. When it was time to push, I was super confused. I had been so focused on riding out the waves of contractions, it took a minute for my brain to switch gears and catch up. Everyone in the room would tell me to push, and I was still doing my breathing techniques that I was using during the contractions. It was not working, I was not pushing… I had to just tune everyone out, and tune in with baby Maris and trust that we were in sync, working together, as a team! Finally something in my brain clicked, and BOOYA! I was pushing, and pushing, and pushing, and pushing and Bill was right there by my side, unfazed by the whole thing. Seriously, I’m surprised he wasn’t in scrubs. And then at 3:11am on 8/26/15, Kylo Evergreen Maris made his debut. 7 lbs. 14 oz. of pure love. Completely natural, no meds, no shoes, no shirt, no problem. Eyes wide open, ready to party, and immediately pass out. My aunt placed him on my chest and that was it, the deal was sealed, I was in love. And then I was even more in love with my husband when I saw him holding the baby. And then I was just a mushy, emotional pile of goop. Hello hormones! (Wow, they waste no time kickin right in.)
I was told I had a fairly fast labor (8 hours total). From the moment we arrived at the hospital, things progressed organically and unfolded smoothly. All in all, it was pretty easy. I mean i definitely remember right after giving birth thinking, “OK, I’m good on giving birth for awhile…” It’s intense, no doubt, but I wouldn’t say it was necessarily painful. I loved being pregnant, I loved giving birth, and I am so grateful I got to experience it all the way in which I had hoped for.
Originally I wanted a home birth, but Bill wanted to be in the hospital in case something went wrong (Which then of course, I would be like: stop manifesting a negative experience!) The deciding factor was my aunt, who has been my OBGYN since I was 16. I couldn’t imagine anyone else delivering this baby but her. She is a total rockstar, and at the end of the day I knew I wouldn’t be as comfortable with anyone else as I would be with her. I decided early on that I wanted to try for an all natural labor. I also made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t have too much pride, and know when to ask/ it was time for help (like an Epidural, c-section, etc…) At the end of the day, I just wanted a healthy baby, and I hoped for a natural labor because I really wanted to experience labor with the least amount of medical intervention.
I arrived to the hospital prepared, birth plan in hand, because that’s what I read in a bunch of books and it seemed like a good idea to set a birth intention and list my preferences for labor so doctors and staff were clear about how this train was rolling. I had printed copies of my birth plan, and I borrowed many clever tips from this other amazing book I read while pregnant: The Mindful Mom To Be, by my friend Lori Bregman. I really wanted Lori to be my doula, but by the time I was introduced to her, we were like a week out from our due date. I had a couple calls with her and that’s when I realized that I had never been more ready for this baby. I had my husband, I had my doctor, and that was all I needed. My husband and I never even took a birth class, we totally winged it. I remember thinking, this is either going to be a huge mistake or it will be totally fine. And guess what? It all worked out fine. So go easy on yourself, you don’t have to do it all, our bodies were made for this, they know what to do. And yes, this is coming from the girl who read all these books on pregnancy and childbirth, and none on what to do once the baby arrives…Oops. Plus, after months and months of so many people giving us advice on everything, it occurred to me that there is no right or wrong way to do this. Whatever works for you, that is what works for you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, or what their experience was, this is YOUR EXPERIENCE. If a class calls to you, do it. If you read something that resonates with you, make a note. If you start reading a book, and you are like “Uhh…NO.” Donate it! If you aren’t feeling like doing a class, don’t (you will be fine!). If you want to have a home birth, use a birth center, be in the hospital, go natural, get an epidural? Do it! I had a friend who was like, I’m getting the epidural, I don’t like any sort of pain at all, end of story, case closed. Give me that epidural the second I walk in the door..Lol. Basically what I am trying to say is that whatever you are feeling, that is what you are feeling, that is what rings true for you, and ultimately that is all that should matter. THAT is what is going to make you comfortable & relaxed throughout this process, and that is what will make for a super positive, enjoyable delivery. Trust yourself! You got this.
I love being a mom, it’s in my blood. The funny thing is that before Kylo was born, I was so awkward around kids. I never felt like I knew what to do, or what to say. When its your own, your instincts kick in, and it’s like super sync, magic mode. Some days are more challenging than others, but luckily Kylo is so cute! I think they design them that way, so you don’t give them back ;) I like to approach motherhood like I approach the rest of my life: Surrender. I have things I want to do, goals I want to achieve, never ending to do lists, chores, etc…But, I’ve found that when I am not trying to control every freaking detail of my life, life unfolds so much more lovely. So I just surrender. I surrendered to the hormones, the recovery, the fact that Kylo would only latch on to one side in the beginning, to the late night feedings, the crying, the burps, the spit up, the hiccups, the lack of sleep. Now I surrender to the laundry, the dishes, the grocery shopping, that he naturally weaned himself off breastmilk already, teething, that I don’t see my friends as much, the hormones, and the balance you are constantly trying to find. I surrender. And because I surrender, I have less to get stressed about, worry about, or get worked up about. I’ve heard people say how kids complicate things, when I actually think it’s the exact opposite: Kids simplify everything. IF you let them.
Kylo has simplified our life in so many ways. We’ve slowed way down, we’ve learned to say no to things that aren’t a good use of our time, and say yes more to spending quality time with each other. We cook more, we dream more, we worry less. We work hard, play hard, laugh harder. Life is so much sweeter with Kylo. The little things I used to worry about don’t matter, because I just look at Kylo any time of the day, and everything gets put into perspective.
Today is also our 2 year wedding anniversary, which makes today even SWEETER! I cannot imagine life without my husband, Bill. If you would have told me that I would have signed a CD for some guy named Bill at one of my first shows in SF circa 2005, and that our paths would cross again later in life, that we would start dating, get engaged, get married, and then a year later, to the day, have a baby? I mean you can’t make that shit up. What a dream. I think the thing that gets me the most, is that Kylo wouldn’t exist without Bill. If I would have married/had a child with anyone else, Kylo wouldn’t exist. THAT BLOWS MY MIND. The best is always not happening yet and the universe always has a plan. I love my boys so much, and I love you all for being with me through this incredible journey.
This blog was WAY OVERDUE. I feel like I have forgotten how to write. But, oh well…#mombrain
To all the mamas, papas, babies, and kiddos on the planet. In the stars, whether coming or going. Your love is what fills our cup.<3
Happy Anniversary Bill, and Happy 1st Birthday my sweet Kylo. I love you both so much,
Tristan
